Help! I'm too happy

Honestly, I'm starting to worry about my level of contentment in not so satisfying conditions. I know I shouldn't but I am. Maybe because I've listened to one too many lectures on spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity. It might also be due to the fact that I have a history of dissociation and bottling shit up to such an extent that I have periodic bursts of negativity that seem totally uncalled for. 

For someone who recently lost her beloved phone, is back to living with her parents and has friends on the other side of the country. Not to mention that my lover is yet to manifest. I legit should be having a harder time. But I'm not. I sure miss my humans on a daily and still dream of finding my phone under a pile of clothes. However, these 'negative' emotions subside as quickly as they emerge. 

No longer do I wallow in a pool of murkiness like I did before. I remember the god-awful depressive abyss I fell into months after the croaking of my twin flame. I did not anticipate that by October 2020, in the midst of a pandemic and global economic crisis, I'd be sitting across the table from my dad with an open heart and a light spirit. Yet here I am motherfuckers! Allowing Source energy to write through me and shit.  

Nonetheless, instead of feeling relief for being at peace, I stand poking at the hornet's nest. My ego-mind is screaming that surely something must be wrong if I'm not floating in emptiness, sadness, and a smidgen of anxiety. I've lived in this state for so long that my brain is grasping at straws with this newfound peace. 

So guess what? I spent the day convincing myself that what's truly happening is the suppression of my shadow. That perhaps I'm not happy but rather I'm doing that thing where I fake happiness for the comfort of others. The Lord knows we don't need yet another human displaying low vibrational moods and tendencies. 

Then again, I do have my moon in Gemini and certainly, I have the capacity to feel both my light and shadow sides simultaneously. 



With the moon currently transiting my third house, it's illuminating my propensity to see both sides of the coin to form mental connections. So what would happen if I acknowledged that I'm quite possibly feeling both empty and content? I would access my innate talent to not only feel these polar opposites but also conceptualize their seeming contradictions.  

It might be true that I am actually a complex being who IS the All 👀

Another more simple possibility is that I might finally be embodying unconditional love a.k.a existing outside the matrix❓❓❓

Now, do I allow this integration to continue, or do I self-sabotage with over-thinking? Find out on the next Dragonball Z !!😁

Confidently lost,

Inolofatseng


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