Who do i think i am?

 I've been feeling this way for long enough to want to write about it.  I deadass would rather not be alive. Being me is exhausting. I feel too deeply. I don't have enough time or space to process half the shit I feel. 80% of the time I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling belongs to me.  Being so...emotional is too lonely to bear. Perhaps I would be inclined to carry on living if it felt like I wasn't alone in this.  Because I'm alone, I have to die.  ✌

To celebrate three years of celibacy, I've decided to have The Sex. I'm taking this up because I've realised that I'm so attached to the 'horny celibate' identity that it's causing me unnamed suffering.  I'm scared of letting go of this about myself. It somehow feels like by no longer being celibate I will now 'have' to take on the title of hoe...again. A title that carries so much shame that I can't bear to act out my very strong sexual urges with a willing participant.  I want to have sex again, but I don't want to want to have sex again. I have reached an impasse with my internalized misogyny :(  Dit is 'n bitjie rof! Shamefully, Inolofatseng

I've never really understood why I laugh at inappropriate things. Until last night. I'm quite simply a rascal.  I'm so in tune with the cosmic giggle that when others see suffering, I see grace and perfect karmic unfolding. Why would I not laugh when my soul can sense that through whatever perceived pain there are potent seeds for awakening? I mean, I'm here with my evolving consciousness precisely because I have experienced great horrors-none of which I would trade back. Fantastic as spiritual awakening has been for me, I am however also aware that this ethereal point of view only honours a partial reality. If I'm to pay homage to my humanity, I need to allow my (human)heart to break in the face of suffering. And breaking it has beeeeeeeen doing. Now, I cry at least once a week even though my inner heart has never ceased to giggle. Joyously, Inolofatseng. R. Lekaba [R is for Rascal]

i'm still kinda sorta a womxn😖😖😖 this confession follows despite my recent exit from the gender binary system. My 'coming-out' as an androgynous ET was in the form of a wholesome Instagram post explaining succinctly why I have no business being a womxn, regardless of how i'm perceived. This declaration of independence ushered in a superficial feeling of freedom. Indeed, i felt my proverbial wings unfold gracefully and prepare to take flight as a result of my now publicized gender nonconformity. I say 'superficial' not because it's fake,  but rather 'cause it's legit not that deep. See, i have a highly developed skill of living in the clouds and ignoring 'reality'. Hence, i mostly go through life evading the thousand and one ways in which my subconscious still embodies the conditioning of the patriarchal, misogynistic gender binary.  For instance, a couple of days ago I was reflecting on how freeing it is to finally withdraw my participatio...