Deading nun-mode, deading another identity

To celebrate three years of celibacy, I've decided to have The Sex. I'm taking this up because I've realised that I'm so attached to the 'horny celibate' identity that it's causing me unnamed suffering. 

I'm scared of letting go of this about myself. It somehow feels like by no longer being celibate I will now 'have' to take on the title of hoe...again. A title that carries so much shame that I can't bear to act out my very strong sexual urges with a willing participant. 

I want to have sex again, but I don't want to want to have sex again.

I have reached an impasse with my internalized misogyny :( 

Dit is 'n bitjie rof!


Shamefully,

Inolofatseng

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

More ways than one

Image
How many of us have been convinced of "The One" bogus theory? 10? 50? 3million? 7 billion +? Yeah, I'm also in the same Whatsapp group. I can't count the number of times I've been told that every human on this planet only has one soul mate, one 'compatible' mating partner, on some sofa s'lahlane shit, that Prince Charming and Snow hullabaloo.      One kiss👀??? As soon as Disney was done convincing me that there's only one Charming for me...and one frog to kiss I entered high school and I was sold the idea that I must choose the one career path. This narrative is still reproduced in my now life as people ask what is it I do for a living and offer puzzled looks when I answer with a paragraph instead of one word. I'll admit it, the effort I sometimes unnecessarily offer  to try and condense my life experiences for their 'understanding' does not help me or the other.  Side note:I do give one too many fucks sometimes🙍.  I h...
Read more

american cultural imperialism and my psyche? curios, suspicious, unmasked

Its curious. i haven't written or opened this blog in over a year and i'm looking at my past writing style with curious suspicion. Style might not be the word but my voice in earlier essays sounds uncomfortably american. i'm embarrassed to realise that my many years of consuming american popular culture, often without much thought, has implanted an identity i have no business embodying. I chalk this up to my childhood of course. My siblings and i raised one another. We were home alone for most of our childhood while my parents worked ridiculous hours at low-paying jobs, leaving us with triple-locked doors and a TV that played too many american children's programmes. Regardless, in those pockets of time my pan-African father was around, he instilled pride in our culture and black africanness. He would remind me of our setswana heritage and had a policy that we should leave the english language we were taught in school at the gate. As soon as we entered our home, setswana...
Read more

I'm not a womxn but...

i'm still kinda sorta a womxn😖😖😖 this confession follows despite my recent exit from the gender binary system. My 'coming-out' as an androgynous ET was in the form of a wholesome Instagram post explaining succinctly why I have no business being a womxn, regardless of how i'm perceived. This declaration of independence ushered in a superficial feeling of freedom. Indeed, i felt my proverbial wings unfold gracefully and prepare to take flight as a result of my now publicized gender nonconformity. I say 'superficial' not because it's fake,  but rather 'cause it's legit not that deep. See, i have a highly developed skill of living in the clouds and ignoring 'reality'. Hence, i mostly go through life evading the thousand and one ways in which my subconscious still embodies the conditioning of the patriarchal, misogynistic gender binary.  For instance, a couple of days ago I was reflecting on how freeing it is to finally withdraw my participatio...
Read more